The chosen one...

There are many people in the special needs community who believe that they were "chosen" to be the parents of their particular children.  You hear things like, "God knew what he was doing when he chose you to be his/her parent."  "Trust God." "God is good." "There are no mistakes in life."  "Everything happens for a reason."  There are even poems written on the subject.  Yes, I have read many of them and yes, for a moment they did make me feel better.  But honestly?

I beg to differ...

It's a nice sentiment, but I think in reality, these are cliches that people say to make themselves or others feel better when faced with a tough situation.  I think it's the "everything happens for a reason" one that I call Bull-shi* on the most.  If everything happens for a reason then why do bad things happen to good people?  Why do innocent children get terminal illnesses?  Why do tragic accidents occur?  If you can reason your way out of these scenarios, I'd ask you to please explain it to the loved ones who have been affected by such circumstances.  

And as far as being a chosen one, I'm not so sure about that one either.  Does it give me a sense of purpose to believe this statement?  Does it make me feel empowered?  I suppose that is the thought behind it.  But I am still struggling to make sense of it all.  I *want* to believe these things that make me feel better, that instill hope, that provide comfort and security in a confusing world.  But I just can't help but question it...   

I guess it's really about making lemonade from life's lemons.  About focusing on the positives and trying as hard as you can to find the silver lining.  To me, that is more meaningful than any of the above lines that people use.  That is a practice you can put into place - an attitude you can choose to live your life by.  

At the end of the day, I choose hope.  I really do.  It's my only option.  I say, "F - you universe!  You do NOT win!  If you "chose" me, then you chose wisely because I refuse to roll over, to give up, to let sadness or fear take over.  If YOU chose ME, then I choose HOPE."  It's as simple as that.  And maybe that's the reason for it all.  Maybe...

The social network

Something I have been struggling with lately is whether or not I want to share our son's diagnosis with our social network.  Our closest friends and family obviously are aware of what we have been through and what is going on, but we have never "posted it."  I guess you could say we are still in the PWS closet.  When we were first in the hospital and getting tests done, posting it on Facebook was the last thing on my mind.  I barely managed to announce Levi's birth to my FB world, let alone share the turmoil of what we were going through with former high school classmates, random co-workers, and old college friends.  Most people, though I enjoy keeping in touch with them, weren't on the "need to know" list.  Not to mention, I didn't want anyone making comments like, "we're praying for you," or "you're so strong," or any of the other cliche comments you hear when someone is dealing with a tough situation.  It was hard enough to hear those comments from our closest friends who I know really meant it.  I think I was in hard core denial, and putting it out there like that would have made it real, would have drove the knife I felt in my heart that much deeper.  So I never went there.  I skated by one of the hardest things I've ever been through in my life without so much as a mention.  And now I am considering coming out.

It may seem trivial to some but it's a big deal to me.  It's a very personal thing to share and I'm a pretty private person when it comes to most things.  (I haven't even told anyone about this blog!)  Putting it out there makes me vulnerable.  It makes me subject to judgement or pity or gossip.  Even worse, it makes Levi subject to judgement or pity or gossip.  He may be viewed through different eyes once someone "knows."  Right now he is just a cute innocent little baby who has the future wide open to him just like anyone else - and that's how he deserves for it to stay.  Once you share the diagnosis, people may think differently, they may look for the signs and symptoms of his condition.  It's human nature.  They may make comments to me about how "he looks normal".  (Seriously, someone said that to me - gee, thanks, that really makes me feel better).  I know that those comments come from a place of good intention, but it still hurts to hear.  There's really no "right" thing to say.  It's just an overall awkward situation.

I know I am just being an overprotective mama bear.  And I will remain in the closet if it continues to make sense.  But my life has become so much about Levi and his condition that it's hard NOT to mention it anymore.  Not mentioning it is to deny awareness that I could be spreading, fundraising donations that I could solicit, or even the possibility that someone I know could share a story about their own struggle or situation.  The idea of talking about it and sharing it though... it feels overwhelming for some reason.  I want to keep living as normal of a life as I can.  We have a new normal now and I have gotten used to it. And I don't want my entire life to revolve around PWS.  I've recently joined an FB group of moms to babies with PWS from the past year or so.  It's a great group and I am so happy to be a part of it and find it to be a great resource and source of comfort.  However, it does keep PWS at the forefront of your mind.  It changes Facebook for me.  Instead of being all about fun silly things and keeping up with old friends, it's a constant stream of PWS stuff.  I see all the other mothers posting about their children and yet my lips are sealed because Facebook wasn't where I wanted that stuff.  But now, there it is, in my face...and it makes me wonder, should I too, share about my son and his challenges?

Once it's out there, there's no turning back.  I met a local mother last week who has a 4 year old little girl with PWS.  She was awesome.  She said to keep living your life.  Don't make it such a big deal.  It's a part of your life but it's not your life.  You know?  She said she actually doesn't go on FB much anymore because so many people in the community post nothing but things about PWS, and she would rather live "her" life than be inundated and overwhelmed by everything she sees going on with others... I can definitely see where she's coming from.  However, I also enjoy connecting with others and see the benefit in sharing.  So I continue to debate this topic with myself: to share, or not to share?  Am I brave enough?  Am I making it too big of a deal?

The Next Part

After my last post I felt like writing about our experience was keeping me in a funk.  I decided to put it on hold until I was ready again.  And now here I am... 6 months later.  I'm not going to pick up where I left off, but rather jump ahead.  To now, April 2012.

The word "now" has a bigger meaning to me than it ever did before.  Before Levi was born I didn't think a whole lot about the future, because I didn't feel any reason to worry about it.  All things were possible.  I didn't know what the future held at all.  I also didn't think a whole lot about the present either.  About how important it was to enjoy the small things, the day to day, to live in the now.  But once you get a diagnosis on your child, the future and the present take on a whole new meaning.  You suddenly have a very different "what to expect" for the future, and the path to get there looks daunting.  This makes you realize how important it is to squeeze every ounce of joy and happiness you can muster out of your present. When we got home from the hospital I found myself tossing aside my "What to Expect the First Year" book that was sitting on the nightstand, and replacing it with "You Will Dream New Dreams," "The Elephant in the Play Room," and "Reflections from a Different Journey."  These are books I never in a million years expected would ever apply to me.  I lived in a bubble, a world with nothing but "perfect" children, and special needs was never a part of it.  How heartbreaking it was for that bubble to burst...

But here we are now and I find myself thinking back to this time last year, during my pregnancy.  There is some piece of me that wonders if I somehow knew.  Is that possible - could a mother's intuition be that strong?  I never did prenatal genetic testing for my pregnancy with Levi.  I decided I was having that baby no matter what, so what was the point.  (And I also assumed he'd be a healthy baby just like my daughter had been - I wasn't a high risk for anything genetic and our results from testing with Norah came out that our chances were like 1 in a million (or so it seemed).)  During the pregnancy though, I found myself consumed with thoughts about what this baby was going to be like.  Much more than I did with Norah.  I was also very superstitious and hesitant to discuss the baby's future.  I chocked it up to typical pregnancy hormones and anxieties.  Still, the silliest things would set me off.  One day in the car last spring, when I first heard the song "Born this Way," which was the much anticipated new song from Lady Gaga, of all people, I cried.  Hard.  The idea of someone being born a certain way - a "different" way - really hit me, and I internally committed to the baby in my belly that I would love him unconditionally no matter what he was.  Another day, walking in the parking lot of a local store, I saw a mom holding hands with a slow moving adolescent child, who appeared to have Down Syndrome.  It gave me goose bumps, and I thought to myself, "I bet I'd be a good mom to a special needs child."  What a random thought for me, in my little bubble, to have!

In the past 6 months I have learned a lot about myself.  I can say that I owe it all to Levi.  He has already taught me so much.  I read somewhere about parenting a special needs child, that you will learn more from the child than you could ever teach them.  This sentiment already feels so true!