After my last post I felt like writing about our experience was keeping me in a funk. I decided to put it on hold until I was ready again. And now here I am... 6 months later. I'm not going to pick up where I left off, but rather jump ahead. To now, April 2012.
The word "now" has a bigger meaning to me than it ever did before. Before Levi was born I didn't think a whole lot about the future, because I didn't feel any reason to worry about it. All things were possible. I didn't know what the future held at all. I also didn't think a whole lot about the present either. About how important it was to enjoy the small things, the day to day, to live in the now. But once you get a diagnosis on your child, the future and the present take on a whole new meaning. You suddenly have a very different "what to expect" for the future, and the path to get there looks daunting. This makes you realize how important it is to squeeze every ounce of joy and happiness you can muster out of your present. When we got home from the hospital I found myself tossing aside my "What to Expect the First Year" book that was sitting on the nightstand, and replacing it with "You Will Dream New Dreams," "The Elephant in the Play Room," and "Reflections from a Different Journey." These are books I never in a million years expected would ever apply to me. I lived in a bubble, a world with nothing but "perfect" children, and special needs was never a part of it. How heartbreaking it was for that bubble to burst...
But here we are now and I find myself thinking back to this time last year, during my pregnancy. There is some piece of me that wonders if I somehow knew. Is that possible - could a mother's intuition be that strong? I never did prenatal genetic testing for my pregnancy with Levi. I decided I was having that baby no matter what, so what was the point. (And I also assumed he'd be a healthy baby just like my daughter had been - I wasn't a high risk for anything genetic and our results from testing with Norah came out that our chances were like 1 in a million (or so it seemed).) During the pregnancy though, I found myself consumed with thoughts about what this baby was going to be like. Much more than I did with Norah. I was also very superstitious and hesitant to discuss the baby's future. I chocked it up to typical pregnancy hormones and anxieties. Still, the silliest things would set me off. One day in the car last spring, when I first heard the song "Born this Way," which was the much anticipated new song from Lady Gaga, of all people, I cried. Hard. The idea of someone being born a certain way - a "different" way - really hit me, and I internally committed to the baby in my belly that I would love him unconditionally no matter what he was. Another day, walking in the parking lot of a local store, I saw a mom holding hands with a slow moving adolescent child, who appeared to have Down Syndrome. It gave me goose bumps, and I thought to myself, "I bet I'd be a good mom to a special needs child." What a random thought for me, in my little bubble, to have!
In the past 6 months I have learned a lot about myself. I can say that I owe it all to Levi. He has already taught me so much. I read somewhere about parenting a special needs child, that you will learn more from the child than you could ever teach them. This sentiment already feels so true!
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